just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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