he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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