I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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