I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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