I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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