I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
