i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
