i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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