Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
