Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
