I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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