She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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