i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
whose parrot is this?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
