I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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