meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
