he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
