i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
