I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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