I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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