Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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