he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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