Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
