based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
