you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
