Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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