Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
