Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
