So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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