My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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