You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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