He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
