Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
