the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
