I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
