Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
