my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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