I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
