Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
