If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
