She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
