I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
