Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
