I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
so much tequila, so little girl.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I pour the whiskey from now on
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
