Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
