I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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