I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
