eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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