Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
