Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
