just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
