the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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