Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
