Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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