My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
