I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
