i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
they need to just BURY HIM!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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