I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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