It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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