you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
