he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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