New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
