so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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